The very courageous act of forgiveness is highly spoken of today. Joe Mannath narrates forgiveness in this way, “forgiving does not mean having nice feelings towards those who hurt us, not pretending that the world is full of angels and saints.” This very statement moved my heart to write on this topic. The world today with its wonderful developments and achievements keep the people anxious and broken hearted. Thus the world is sustained with its effects, it is because of the act of forgiveness or else we will be nowhere. The act of forgiveness is looked from and defined in different ways, but forgiveness centers around one thing- HURTS. Psychologists look at hurts in terms of wounds and spiritualists look at hurts in terms of sin. Thus forgiveness enters into the play in healing hurts. The hurts we stored up in our minds become a blockade to our growth or towards the process of becoming fully human. So our hurts must be healed. Our concentration must be on ourselves. When healed, we cherish inner freedom and then others also enjoy freedom because we stop hurting others. Hereby our freedom from the bondage of hurts helps and leads everyone in the world to cherish love and forgiveness. Thus the people with their inner freedom will be in the state of happiness or bliss, to which the whole human race is striving for. I am here through this paper dealing the act of forgiveness in psychological and spiritual perspectives and I put forth some of the ways to forgive oneself and others. Let us travel in.
The meaning of forgiveness: The word ‘forgiveness’ comes from the Greek word ‘aphesis’ which means ‘to liberate’ ‘to release from bondage’. It also means the remission of debt, guilt, and punishments. Or merely it is used to indicate when the prison door is opened the prisoner can go free. Here I try to define what forgiveness is from illustrated accounts of different people.
What it is: Joe Mannath, an experienced priest beautifully portrays forgiveness in these words, “it is a tough act no doubt but is lifts us up from the world of beasts to the realm of spirit.” (Joe Mannath, a closer look, 15). His implication is that to prove ourselves to be human we can’t but forgive. In this world today people speak about seventh sense, but we must remember that most of us stay in the fifth sense as animate beings in the world around. This definition is interlinked with the saying, wisdom of people, to give is human but to forgive is divine.’ This saying is very true with very few people in the world. Yet this seems to be practical. And thus I could see different ways of looking at the concept of forgiveness. I would like to explain in each chapter of its concern. I understand in this way that forgiveness is a thriving force that shatters the shackles that hold back from loving oneself, others, God, society and what not.
What it is not: forgiveness is not as same as forgetting . “Forgiveness is an attitude of love; forgetting is a loss of memory.”(Joe, a closer look, 16). Forgetting will be in touch with us often but once I forgive the person, the act not the hurt will be in the memory but not with that thundering effect. Once I fail to forgive the person the hurt remains and will be with its thrashing effect kept intact in our memory. Have it in your mind, Memory is a must because if only my memory senses me to remember my past hurts or childhood wounded experiences, I can forgive. And forgetting is also leading us into the subject of unjust hurts. People say that forgetting is not worth praising, because some people may weigh us vulnerable and feeble and use us by their repeated unjust acts. It is here our memory plays its vital role to instruct us to fight against the injustice. Here forgiveness is not a passive submission but an active implementation of love. Thus forgiveness is not forgetting.
Domain of forgiveness: love is the hardcore of human existence. To forgive we must fill our hearts and minds with love. To love we must reconcile with our hurt feelings. We should enter into the inevitable area, Hurt feelings in order to say what love does in the act of forgiveness. Thus the domain of forgiveness is Hurts feelings and the healer is love. My concentration here is mainly on HURTS and its deep root and how to come out of it to make love and forgiveness possible for everyone.
Love: today people go to the extent of saying that ‘Love is God’. It is through loving oneself and of others we experience God. The famous writer, Jean Vanier narrates the seven aspects of love. That is to reveal others worthiness and value, to understand others with a great deal of trust, to communicate them their problems if they have, to celebrate with them in their joy and sorrow, to empower them to discover the meaning of their lives, to be in communion with them by our mutual trust, belonging…, and to forgive each other and ask for forgiveness. These aspects of love will do wonders in our lives if at all practiced. Thus love is the extension of our ego boundaries but not the collapse of our ego boundaries. This simple love persuades us to forgive ourselves and others. ‘Love your enemies’- this statement speaks about forgiving our enemies. To forgive an enemy can be done if at all we have a special love to that person. This can be very vivid in ‘extraordinary events’ of forgiveness in the lives of many ‘humans’. Love flows very spontaneously from their hearts and that moves them to forgive their enemies. This love demands of two things: the first, I have to accept myself with all my strength and weakness and the second, I should understand that human beings are fallible. So I accept my fellow beings with their weakness and strength. Once I accept myself and others, forgiveness is spontaneous, which is a comrade of love. Yet there is a blockade that put human beings in misery. That is the hurt feelings that are stored up in our heart and mind.
Hurt feelings: when the unpleasant emotions are inflicted on us and when we are not able to vent our emotions out against the injustice done to us, we direct these unpleasant and unwanted emotions inwardly and sore up in our very heart and mind. And we tend to brood over on those emotions. They remain as hurt feelings. Our hearts are real and we are always hurt starting from the day of conception till today. These hurts remain as wounds in our hearts, thus become barriers to enjoy freedom within ourselves and with others.
Today many are acting out of our childhood hurts. The typical example the world known is of Adolf Hitler. He pronounced death to all the mentally challenged in Germany because he was so much hurt or wounded by his aunt, a crucial inflictor of pain, an intellectually disabled lady. Fr. Varkey writes in his book, “Be human, Be holy’ that Hitler was whipped, beaten and treated like a dog by his Father who was a Jew by blood. So Hitler treated all the Jews in this manner. It can be said that Hitler was not free until his death, the wounding experience of his childhood imprisoned him and in way he was immured in his Father’s concentration camp, so as to carry out a genocide and suicide. I am afraid how many of us are out of the concentration camp where we entered in our childhood. If we are masquerading as unhurt persons, never will we be free and forgive ourselves and others. Let us accept that we are hurt in our childhood, we have the riffling effect today. We need to be aware of the hurts and we need to give ourselves and others so as to be liberated. If our childhood hurts are not dealt with, it becomes a vicious circle that spoils whoever we meet.
Be aware: We should be aware of our present day hurting behavior and find out the relation of our behavior with anyone of our family members. We have to feel the real pain of it and ask some questions in us, “when did this unhealthy behavior pattern start? Was there anyone in the family who behaved in the way I behave now? Did I feel occasionally that I was not loved as a child? Did my parents in their angry mood scold me in a demeaning, disgracing, humiliating, dehumanizing and destructive way?” (C.P. Varkey, Be Human…, 173). Let us now find a place of beauty and silence and ask ourselves “how much do others suffer because of my behavior? How much do I suffer? What could have been the feelings of the child that I once was when treated unfairly?” (C.P. Varkey, Be Human…, 173). It is proven that these reflective questions will help at large to forgive ourselves and others. Is there a way to come out of it? Yes, of course…
Steps to come out of the HURTS: Father Joe Mannath with his practicality and simplicity gives four steps to get healed of our hurts in light or subtle way in line with Father Varkey’s reflective questions: “one: admit the hurt- this is better than pretending that nothing unpleasant ever happens or that everybody is nice; two: talk it over- if possible with the person by whom you feel hurt, or with someone else in whom you have confidence; three: pray for healing and pray for the person who hurt you. Both we and they need healing and change. Prayer will also help us to see the hurts against the background of all the good we have received; and four: the inner pain leaves deeper scars than marks in the skin. Here “if the hurt is deep and the memories lasting and powerful, you may need counseling or psychotherapy. Forgiveness is not a matter of nice feelings; it is a tough decision to do good and not evil to the person who has hurt us. If we repay evil with evil, we increase the malice and cruelty in the world. (Joe Mannath, “a closer look,” 20).
Every one of us is in bondage of hurts. We must reconcile with our own hurts. When we come out of our bondages, we could be able to enjoy inner freedom. As above mentioned, here is also another method prevalent among the person today that is, talking with inner child by Lucia Cappachoine. There is as far as my knowledge goes, only way to cherish the beauty and liberty with which God created us, is to reconcile with our hurts and heal our hurts. But it really demands us a lot of endeavor and time. Let us try it so that not only we but also everyone in the world would cherish the real liveliness of our lives.
Forgiveness in Christian realm: the act of forgiveness is very common to all Christians. This value, forgiveness is deeply imbibed in Christianity lived by its founder Christ, Jesus himself. In Christianity, when human beings break the relationship with God, self, others and world, forgiveness comes to the stage. Our previous pope John Paul II stirred up the whole world by asking pardon for the past hurts of the church, both human and divine. This very act of humility and courage to reconcile with the enemies is derived from the Holy Bible, lives of Saints and the church. And the sole foundation of it is the human divine, Christ. I hope you would understand better as go with your reading further, that is, the illuminating lives of saints and other perspectives mentioned above.
Church and Theology: it is given in the new catholic theological dictionary that “forgiveness refers to the removal of obstacles that lie in the way of intimate union with God.”(Michael Dewey, 406). God is the ultimate forgiver. Here the obstacles are explained in terms of sin which is the hindrance to enjoy the love of God. Here is a process visible- a guilt for our sins that weakens the relationship with God and neighbor and the remnants of the past that continue to affect those relationships and which incline individual to repetition. This forgiveness in a broader sense can be applied as reconciliation with God, others, world and oneself. But God’s love comes to us as a gracious forgiveness. When we say gracious forgiveness, God’s love is powerful force that draws us into God and consequently away from what could keep us from God, and we should be able to understand how far we are away from God. Here we could see that God loves us and removes the obstacles not because we are worthy but because he wants to make us worthy. This unconditional love of God taken for granted as it was in the case of first parent and even today. We tend to commit sins with the hope of obtaining forgiveness of God. And the church has established the sacrament of reconciliation. This sacrament has become a more convenient way of freeing of sins to those who commit sins without any scruple. This way as it practiced, as I felt, be seen as very sophisticated way leaving behind the deeper understanding lies behind- the obstacles be removed. Obstacles that are “obstacles among us, obstacles between us and the world and obstacles between us and God.” This is what all psychologists try to say in their unique way as God has given them. As a matter of fact the sacrament of reconciliation does wonders in the lives of many today, If one is able to believe in it and makes it meaningfully, he or she will enjoy the mercy and gracious forgiveness of God and one can’t but show to others as they have received.
To celebrate the new millennium in a worthy manner, our former Pope John Paul II made much effort. The holy man, a direct representative of Christ asked pardon and also motivated the people of God through the apostolic letter ‘Tertio millenio advneniente’ and his exhortation ‘Reconciliatio et paenitentia’ and encyclical letter ‘Dives in misericordia.’
In ‘Tertio millenio adveniente’ he expressed regrets for the sorrowful memories of the past that made the history divided and extended his request for forgiveness of the multitude of historical events in which the church or individual group of Christians, were implicated in different respects. How is it possible for the leader of the only institutionalized church in the world over, to ask pardon? People wondered. He proved that it is possible for a Christian and that is the uniqueness of Christ teachings.
In ‘Reconciliation et Paenitentia’ he says that sin is personal and individual stands alone before God however represented by priest and the result of the accumulation and concentration of personal sins is social sin- it is when justice, peace and freedom is damaged. Added to this exhortation, I reflect in this way that when injustice is done, we should fight against it. There is no question of forgiveness or reconciliation here. Forgiveness here means fighting for justice. We may be looked at as enemies. No problem. We are fighting to remove hurts from the thousands of innocents, the victim of injustice. Here I recall the deep words of Bishop Valerian D’souza that other (damagers) may consider us enemies but we should not even consider anyone as our enemy. (Bishop Valerian, 31).
In Dives in misericordia, he says, “God who is rich in mercy whom Jesus Christ has revealed to us as Father.”(Pope John Paul, Dives in misericordia, encyclical letter). This encyclical letter deals with how God is so merciful to us, his children in eternity, how it is revealed through Christ, Mother Mary and so on, finally how the holy church implements God’s mercy in our day today context. Here one can say that the mercy of God sustains the world by forgiving and giving hearts of forgiveness to us.
It is notable that the catholic theological dictionary would give the final touch to the understanding of forgiveness in the church and theology by these four points of the need for reconciliation. Forgiveness can be realized through the realization of God’ magnificent beauty, fear that prevents intimacy among people, the ways in which we mar the world and the flaws in ourselves that prevent the full integrity that would image God as a part of the virtue of repentance. Whereby the need for forgiveness can be authentically realized and by practicing it one can enjoy God’s love and give it to others also.
Christ and Saints: our history shows how people incite others to violence and how cruelty tries to conquer the world on the one hand and how people inspire fellow beings to love and forgive on the other hand. Here people always tend to live with the people of inspiration, not with the people of incitement. We also appreciate the example of our own time like Mother Teresa, Glady Staines…yet we hesitate to absorb their attitude of love and forgiveness. Where did they get the courage and strength? That is through living with Christ.
In the Holy Bible, Christ narrates parables, examples, commandments of God to proclaim love and forgiveness. His approach is more practical and simple yet containing profound truths. Jesus’ approach as Jean Vanier says, “To understand enemy both within and outside is an important part of forgiveness.” (Jean Vanier, 146), is primarily to understand and accept oneself, appreciate one’s values and gifts and there flows forgiveness graciously. Jesus is very clear as my understanding limits me that the individual change just leads to accept and appreciate others. Jesus’ final prayer signifies this, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” We understand that Christ enjoyed inner freedom and thus He was able to take in the hurts inflicted on him not in the way of becoming slave to the hurts. He understands the wounding experience of people in their childhood and He pities that they are still in their childhood hurts. The attitudes of Jews and Gentiles who crucified Jesus, have the sounding experience in their childhood is clearly exposed in their behavior. Mistrusting Jesus and being violent and aggressive to somebody, as a Jew mistreated by Romans, as gentiles mistreated by Jews… so those people spent their lives in the inner prisons and were not able to accept the person enjoying inner freedom. Thus they try to control Jesus and immured him in inner prison by their hurts but Jesus conquered them by his fine prayer of profundity and heavenly, on the cross.
Whenever Jesus points out forgiveness, it always starts with one’s own self to others, not the other way about. Let me highlight a few examples: In John 8: 7 He questions Pharisees and scribes who caught a woman in adultery, saying, “let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her,” and adds in verse 11 “neither I condemn you… go your way and from now on sin again.” He urges them to get reconciled with themselves first and He forgives. And I feel that when He says ‘go in your way and from now on sin again, He means you go into yourself and reconcile with your past hurts, you will not sin again.
Throughout the Bible we could see many practical necessities for forgiveness. Such as “Forgive one another, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” because I understand the Holy Bible in a way that it is to show us God’s love, mercy and forgiveness and through that God makes us aware of ourselves and others and live with full human dignity. That is why Christ came to the world to redeem us from our sins and tell us that were are free, and Jesus taught a simple prayer that led them to pray God, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” This is the final stage – first we reconcile with our own hurts and wounds, then we reconcile with our own hurts and wounds, then we reconcile with others and then we dare to ask God for forgiveness. Because we are sure that we no more hurt others or even if we hurt, we are able to reconcile with but not allow having pent-up emotions. This forgiving love of God was experienced and lived by many people who are called Saints- people lived more humanistic way and reached divine attitude of love and forgiveness. On 4th of April we celebrate the feast of St. Isidore, Bishop and Confessor he forgave his debtors and distributed all his property. St. Maria Gorette (July 6) forgave and prayed for the murderer who brutally stabbed her fourteen times and her forgiveness made him converted. To our surprise, the murderer was present in the eve of glorifying her with ‘Blessed”. St. Reeta forgave the murderers who murdered her husband and she prayed for them. When she sensed her two children were plotting to kill them, she prayed to God that it was better to take away the lives of her children than to leave them murder the murderers of her husband. For her, life without forgiveness was equal to being a dead body. Thus many Saints like St. Henry II, St. John the Baptist De Rosse, St. John Gualbert, St. Upald, St. Elpeeezre.., did wonders through their act of forgiveness. And it is through the sacraments of reconciliation they worked it out. They spent their peak hours in confession. Thus so many people are converted. It is today happening authentically in many retreat centers all over. I have personally witnessed this happened in Divine Retreat Centre in Kerala. Here people come out with their pent-up emotions, get reconciled with oneself, others and God. Even people living with so much of hurts in their hearts, fully activated in their minds and veins, enjoy the inner freedom after the sacrament of confession. This is for what Christ came, and redemption simply means this as I understand.
Another thing that is to be understood is when we have inner freedom; we also naturally pave the way for others to cherish it. That is whenever freedom of the people is curbed by the acts of injustice, we should fight against it. We should not say that I bear the crucial pain of it, but rather we should work for justice and peace. This is what we see in the lives of our lord Jesus, John the Baptists and Saints. John the Baptist was beheaded. Jesus in Matthew 23: 1-30 fight against injustice. Here it is not a question of forgiving or compromising or bearing the unjust suffering, but the question of helping offenders to understand his own self. The Pharisees and the Scribes were poisoned with hurts and wounds that they tried to inject the wounding experience to others unjustly and here Jesus questioned them.
Having said these, I would say that the whole Christianity with its Biblical wisdom, convincing lives of saints, inspiring church doctrines and direct vision of God invites everyone to the banquet of cherishing inner freedom that God has given to us. And thus we get reconciled with ourselves, others society world and God.
The road to forgiveness: it happens when somebody delivers a talk that moves us, we decide to do what we heard, or when we read a very good article, we are taken a back and we decide to practice those inspiring thoughts right there because we are emotionally moved. But what happens next is we tend to forget that slowly and It loses its effective to the full. I guess most of the time it happens because of lack of effective methods and practical suggestions. I would suggest here the principles and steps for forgiveness I found them quite effective, proposed by Jean Vanier in his book ‘becoming Human’ and some practical suggestions suggested by Fahter Joe Mannath in his book, ‘A closer Look’ and a few steps taught by Father Lawrence in his session on emotional maturity.
Principles: Jean Vanier suggests three basic principles underlying forgiveness: Principles 1: there can be no forgiveness of ourselves or of others unless we believe that we are all part of a common humanity. That simply means no one individual or a group is superior to others and we are equal. It needs to be said again and again to imprint in our minds unlike our history of both inferiority and superiority. He beautifully presents this insight that we may be different in race, culture, religion and capacities, but we are all the same with the vulnerable hearts that need to be loved and love, the need to grow, the need to develop our capacities and the need to find our place in the world. We all need to find ourselves of value. (Jean Vanier, 138). We are all the same because we are all hurt in one or other way. Fears have been implanted in us and we have difficulties in relating with others, and there is a chaos of anguish and violence within us. So we have to lose our sense of inferiority or superiority. We have to take responsibility for our lives as well as for others, for we are called upon to stand up and take our place freely in the world.
Principle 2: to forgive means to believe that each of us can evolve and make redemption possible for everyone. We should not pass judgment on others because we are more than what we perceive. We are people who, if loved, helped and trusted, can in some small way recognize our faults and our brokenness and can grow in humanity, in inner freedom and to do little acts of love.
Principle 3: to forgive means to yearn for unity and peace. In the parable of the prodigal son, the Father wants to be in communion with his son. When someone loves deeply, forgiveness is evident and spontaneous. We will no longer be governed by our inner hurts or need to prove our worth. To be a worker for peace and unity is a struggle because it demands to be out of self centeredness and love oneself and the others. He says, “At the heart of the process of forgiveness is the desire to be liberated from negative passions, sharp dislikes and hatred. This is a desire that starts us on the road to forgiveness.” (Jean Vanier, 140).
Five steps to forgive by Jean Vanier:
1. Refusal to take revenge (an eye for an eye)
2. The genuine and heartfelt hope that the oppressor be liberated. The victim cannot change the heart filled with fear and hate, but one may pray for the oppressor to change.
3. The desire to understand the oppressor. How and why the hardness of heart developed and how to liberate them.
4. The recognition of our own darkness. We too hurt people and have perhaps contributed to the hardness of the oppressor.
5. Be patient, it tales time for a victim to be freed from hatred and it takes time for an oppressor to evolve and change. I add up the sixth step that is praying by both victim and the oppressor to understand God’s forgiveness and human fallibility.
Five steps by Father Lawrence: first of all, we should list the primary relationships and secondary relationships and start going step by step.
a. Recall the hurts, accept the hurts, and express emotions through curiosity and speaking to a friend whom you trust.
b. Reframe or empathize- getting into the shoes of others. It simply means that we understand and commiserate with the other in their places.
c. Commit to forgive- The attitude that I have forgiven and continue to forgive others.
d. Let go- Our attitude is that God, I leave these people to you and keep them in your care.
e. Extending compassion - It possible we can do it. It speaks of our good will to the offender. We forgive somebody means to do good to them and at least not to harm them.
Practical suggestions by Father Joe Mannath:
1. We should develop the habit of counting our blessings. Only against the background of all the love and goodness we enjoy, can we see our hurts realistically.
2. Be aware of this truth that we have been forgiven, much more time both by God and people. It is logical that we need in turn to forgive few hurts.
3. Do not confuse forgiving with forgetting.
4. It doesn’t mean to have nice feelings towards those who hurt us, not pretending that the world is full of angels and saints. It simply means that we should accept the hurt, and forgive the inflictor. It doesn’t mean that we have to rebuild the same kind of relation, but we should not think of doing harm to them.
5. Forgiveness does not imply letting others exploit us or walk over us. We must also take a stand against injustice in every form and do our part to fight it.
Finally he ends with these words, “by choosing to forgive, we move from the world of beast to the realm of humans. If we keep that path, we discover little by little the divinity that lies buried beneath the ashes of our frailty.” Concerning the principles, two kinds of steps and practical suggestions, I personally opt for practical suggestions by Father Joe Manath. That helped me in my undertakings and found it encouraging to go and to grow ahead. I would say that it is left in the minds of people who can go for different methods, steps as we find what is fitting us to do it effectively. However the final goal is one and the same that the forgiveness ending in happiness.
Forgiveness, the happy heart: Where is happiness? This is the primary question raised by the most of people in the world. People search for happiness everywhere-may be in things, idols, persons, money, luxuries… but still they are not able to find out the lasting happiness. They are ready to pay any amount of money to buy happiness if at all sold in some shops but they are not able to understand that the garden of happiness is themselves. Happiness is not the amount of outward adventure but an inward journey. Today, people are hurt so much that they are not able to look at a single trace of happiness in themselves resulting in mushrooming yoga, meditation, and counseling centers in thousands all over the world.
Forgiveness is the way and the lead to happiness. Forgiveness is that which gives inner freedom and peace from where happiness sprouts. When we forgive our own hurts experienced in our childhood and the agony and bitterness experienced today in our encounters with others, we will be able to be happy. When we forgive our hurts, we no more feel the pain of the hurt even though they remain in our memory. Thus I would say that forgiveness is a lead to happiness; provided we should be able o reconcile with our hurts and come out of the prison of our hurts. Happiness is not somewhere in the world, but it is imprisoned in the prison of our hurts feelings.
To give an end to our endless journey…Forgiveness is the life source that can bring happiness to all. I have learnt to forgive and my idea of perfect forgiveness is changed after this paper. Forgiveness simply says, “my dear, of course, you have been hurt. Your hurts is real, get reconciled with your hurts. Most of the time we are both offender and victim in somehow or other. So forgive your past hurts. Remember always, it is not the other who has to change but it is I who is to be changed.” It is through forgiveness we are liberated which is the state of happiness as our sages experienced. In this process, prayer plays vital because it is God who always forgives and doubles his mercy on us. Thus with the mercy and love of God, let us forgive ourselves and others to be forgiven by God and to enjoy the state of happiness (Liberation), state of eternal bliss.
“Forgiveness is the process of removing barriers (wounds/hurts); it is the process by which we start to accept and to love ourselves and those who have hurt us. This is the final state of liberation (a state of happiness).
Reference:
Michael downey(Edi),The New Dictionary of Catholic Spirituality, Bangalore: Theological Publication in India, 1995.
Joseph A. Komonchak (edi), The New Dictionary of Theology, Bangalore: Theological Publication in India, 1994.
Valerian D’ souza, Love is the Only Answer, Mumbai: St. Pauls, 2004.
C. P. Varkey S.j, Be Human and Be Holy, Mumbai: St. Pauls, 1993.
Joe Mannath, A Closer Look, Chennai: Arumbu Publication, 2005.
Scott S. Peck, The Road Less Travelled, New York: Touchstone Publication, 1985.
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